I wrote this in 1997 and it is embarrassing for two reasons even though I felt pretty cool for digging up that bass loop.

One reason is the contrived zaniness of my attempt at surreal lyrics

The other reason is I jacked those drums from a sample kit, instead of using ones I dug for myself. Ew!!


Time stands still and, looking around, you're not certain what is
Real. You're sick of people trying to tell you how to feel
About the green stars, blue clovers, but of course you
Can't quite figure out the miniature yellow horseshoes
Clandestine transactions in the dark corners distract you from
The risk at hand and soon you're getting sucked up in the vaccuum
You hacked through some foliage and found a treasure chest
Of sample loops, organised in groups that sound together best
You started walking through this middle earth and soon a little Smurf
Approached with nervousness and offered you some goods and services
You asked to see his wares and he produced a brew of mandrake
Peanut butter pancakes and tickets to a clambake,
After you examined them, he spoke and said "Hey man, take
The whole shebang for five cents" and offered you a handshake
You looked the gift horse directly in the kisser
Sniffed and sighed, thought a while, and tried not to smile
When you realized that this wasn't just a bargain too
Good to believe, he was grossly undercharging you
Your conscience made you say "no thanks" and offer the advice
That he should think twice before lowering the price to where
It's ridiculous. He thought about it, chewing on some licorice
And asked if you were ticklish.

Then the sky inverted colors and you lost your concentration
You forgot your father's birthday and your locker combination
Then all of a sudden, you knew that you were on a mission
That would take time and effort and a grasp of long division
So you sang a song that didn't have a tune or any lyrics
And you banged a gong that summoned four and twenty friendly spirits
Their auras were blue and light purple, they flew in tight circles
And spoke in irritating whiney voices like Urkel
They left you with your pockets and your cavities filled
And a complete collection of tapes by Björk and Gravity Kills
And the deed to a house in some place called Amityville
And then you seemed to wake up, but you didn't really wake up
You just dreamed that you woke up, you didn't really wake up
But you brushed your teeth and hair and did your make up. And then
Somebody spoke and you went into a dream but at this point it
Only served to make you that much more disjointed
Suddenly you were flying due to awe inspiring forces
And you looked down in mirth at metal roads for iron horses
And started laughing at it all, the heartless mathematical
Godforsaken world, and then you saw a naked girl
And then you woke up for real this time.




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rap legend Jesse Dangerously Ottawa, Ontario

Genuine Independent Rap Legend (GIRL)

member of Backburner crew

partially culpable for the nerdcore problem

"Sapphire meets Sappho meets Saafir meets Jonathan Saffron Foer;"
"not the Black Frank White, just the white Frank Black;"
"Wiz Khalifa meets Pat Califia;"
"like Buck 65 but faster and fat."
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